luckandhope.freeforums.org

Online forum to talk about Transgender issues

Bump; anyone wanna chat?

I've been trying to figure myself out since I was a toddler. I'm now 21. All my interpersonal memories revolve around hiding my true feelings and what I've kinda always felt was right. Growing up I learned to hide and never bring attention to how I really felt.

It's gotten to where I can't stand myself and the lie everyone takes me as. I have so many friends and family that dont even know much of the real me.

I don't want this life anymore; I'm so depressed and ashamed of how many people I've had to lie to over all these years. Everyone thinks I'm this guy who's fun and loves life. If I go on this way I know I'll break the heart of a first wife when I realize I just can't be a guy any longer.

I avoid anything more than casual dating because I never wanna be the guy that causes any pain. Maybe because of this I'm as alone as I am. I don't know anymore, it's gotten to the point that I don't enjoy the fact I wake up I the morning. I don't enjoy life. Everyone asks "you ok?" I just reply I'm coming down with a cold or dizzy/xyz reason.

The last 3 years of my life have been so trying. I'm always out with friends but I know the group I'm around would outcast me in a minute if they knew. It's not because of what I am or that they're mean/cruel, it's that itd be a shock and they'd realize how much of a facad I am. They'd wonder if I'd every really been honest with them or if I am just a compulsive liar/actor. They're right to do so though because I've never been honest with any of them; I've betrayed everyone's trust by bottling up feelings I should have been honest about years ago.

All the hobbies, my style, mannerisms, my mannish demeanor and assertions, it's all a lie that I can't keep up on anymore.

Anyways life carries on; if anyone wants to chat, jump in! I went a bit past casual talk so no one has to feel like they're the only one putting themself out there. By no means does anybody need to go as far as I did unless they want to.


(haha; did I just do that? 1st time in my life, big weight kinda floating away)

If anyone's wondering, phonetically my username is kumi-kk 69 (coo-me Kay Kay 69)

-not actually asian, scared someone will find this board so I went in stealthy.
-trans (mtf one day)
-empathetic and genuinely kind hearted
-into positivity and respect
-lesbian? attracted to girls gg/post. I'm currently not attracted to male stuff. Once I'm post op I don't know if I'll then consider bi. Hormones and post anatomy might change my psychology. I just don't really have any desire now towards an m/m relationship but when I think of myself as a woman things get fuzzy on that topic. No real attraction but the femininity of being courted does something and chemically, lower t levels by that time would probably do something as well.

Hey KumiKK69, your story sound very much like my own. I'm 23 and I'm at the beginning of my transition. What you describe pretty much exactly describes my life up until about 2 years ago. The first thing that changed was I became more and more aware of how much I had been lying to everyone, how much I had been lying to myself. I was really confused and gradually interacted less and less with the people around me. At the point when things started going really downhill I was 3.5 years into a very serious relationship with a girl who I realized I couldn't be with because I couldn't be honest about who I was or the things I needed but I didn't know what to do because I did love her and I didn't want to hurt her. Six months later she broke up with me, which hurt really bad but she did the right thing that I wasn't strong enough to do. About 7 months ago was the first time I was really honest with myself about being transgender. Being honest about this with myself and listening to the stories of hundreds of people on youtube and on blogs across the Internet helped me a lot. It was probably the first time that my life made some sort of sense. For a little while it was really great because I was opening up to myself and it was awesome to think find that i wasn't totally alone, that i wasn't the only one who went to bed every night wishing a miracle would happen and I'd just wake up in a girl's body one morning. I've come out to a few close friends and to my immediate family. It's been really hard and very few of them understand, most of them try to convince me that it's some sort of phase or that it's not a plausibility, but I know that they are wrong.

Don't give up, let's talk more. You and I both have a lot of difficult struggles to get through, but there is a lot of hope for us. It is important for you to find some support, I and many other people out here in Internet-land can be a part of that and we can help you to find people around you to be a stronger support for you. A lot of your current friends will have trouble with this when you come out to them, but I think that a good deal of them will react better than you expect. Even if they don't, there are lots of other people out there; I'm not saying that it's easy, but I am saying that it is worth it. Even just the few steps I've made have helped me get so much better, my life is starting to seem like it actually has a future now. After several years of believing that there was no place for me in this world, it's like a miracle.

Oh, also feel free to contact me via my email, tumblr, twitter or youtube!

Wow you've been through so much and your well on your way, thats so awesome. I'm sorry for the hard times you've experienced and have coming up, you are so right when you say that it'll be a difficult road but your doing an amazing run at it. Congrats on finding the courage to tackle a ts existence head on, that's really inspirational. I hope your friends and family grow to accept your struggle over time and that happiness comes completely around for you. I've always wished I could have the support of friends/fam. I really hope your transition brings all of you closer and completes missing portions of your life. Sorry for your relationship ending, that must have been so impossible. Good luck here, now and through the future!

I'm too scared to consider a head on tackle. I know too many people of the old school ideals; mainly from the community. Some are even so bigotus and utterly wastes of space (I have 0 respect for them and never talk to these people) that I could end up a victim of a hate crime if I'm not careful. Theres just too many people who wouldn't understand, theyre too caught up in alpha esc positions to see the world for what it is. It's not a place to conquer or dominate through enterprise; it's a place to evolve and flourish in the natural beauty of cognition and existence. Love and growth is so much more than money. (and fuck bigots! Conscious life taken senselessly in an instant because of hate...fuck that noise, fuck that hate, fuck these murderers! it's disgusting and vile!)

I just kinda know a few people from the social circle around me wont respect what I have been through/go through day by day. They might even faint kindness to my face but run my family's name into the ground in private circles. I know it's useless to be concerned with what people think but if my actions negatively impact others I have to. I have family that I have to respect and consider the best interest of. I've been very independent most of my life and I kind of know the only way I'll live the life I want is through a tasteful withdrawal from the community I'm a part of (claim a job offer/moving) so I can start a new life somewhere else.

I'm lucky that I currently make decent income so I can save up to move out. If I can get out of the community I'm in by Summers end, I can do everything from legal identification to transitioning, therapy, and hrt in relative peace. I'm really lucky that I've never really developed masculine physicalities apart from body hair and muscle mass. My face is very fem for a boy, a few girls I've dated have hinted I'd make a pretty girl haha; little did they really know how much I loved the comment. I'm only 5'4~ (barely 5'5 1st thing in the morning haha?). I am 180#'s though. (tried the whole be a man thing, bench pressed 335 at my peak in high school. Ive been left with too much muscle but I'm on a ketosis diet plan: 500 calories, multivitamin, lots of water and 2 miles a day at 6mph. I was 203#'s on December 19ths so the plan is working though! 110 with curves on hrt is my goal by July next year!!! (want this so bad)

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Anyways I could go on for days but I wanna stay sorta brief. Tell me more about your transition if you'd like, talking to someone is so refreshing.

Kumikk69 wrote:Wow you've been through so much and your well on your way, thats so awesome. I'm sorry for the hard times you've experienced and have coming up, you are so right when you say that it'll be a difficult road but your doing an amazing run at it. Congrats on finding the courage to tackle a ts existence head on, that's really inspirational. I hope your friends and family grow to accept your struggle over time and that happiness comes completely around for you. I've always wished I could have the support of friends/fam. I really hope your transition brings all of you closer and completes missing portions of your life. Sorry for your relationship ending, that must have been so impossible. Good luck here, now and through the future!

I'm too scared to consider a head on tackle. I know too many people of the old school ideals; mainly from the community. Some are even so bigotus and utterly wastes of space (I have 0 respect for them and never talk to these people) that I could end up a victim of a hate crime if I'm not careful. Theres just too many people who wouldn't understand, theyre too caught up in alpha esc positions to see the world for what it is. It's not a place to conquer or dominate through enterprise; it's a place to evolve and flourish in the natural beauty of cognition and existence. Love and growth is so much more than money. (and fuck bigots! Conscious life taken senselessly in an instant because of hate...fuck that noise, fuck that hate, fuck these murderers! it's disgusting and vile!)

I just kinda know a few people from the social circle around me wont respect what I have been through/go through day by day. They might even faint kindness to my face but run my family's name into the ground in private circles. I know it's useless to be concerned with what people think but if my actions negatively impact others I have to. I have family that I have to respect and consider the best interest of. I've been very independent most of my life and I kind of know the only way I'll live the life I want is through a tasteful withdrawal from the community I'm a part of (claim a job offer/moving) so I can start a new life somewhere else.

I'm lucky that I currently make decent income so I can save up to move out. If I can get out of the community I'm in by August, I can do everything from legal identification to transitioning, therapy, and hrt in relative peace. I'm really lucky that I've never really developed masculine physicalities apart from body hair and muscle mass. My face is very fem for a boy, a few girls I've dated have hinted I'd make a pretty girl haha; little did they really know how much I loved the comment. I'm only 5'4~ (barely 5'5 1st thing in the morning haha?). I am 180#'s though. (tried the whole be a man thing, bench pressed 335 at my peak in high school. Ive been left with too much muscle but I'm on a ketosis diet plan: 500 calories, multivitamin, lots of water and 2 miles a day at 6mph. I was 203#'s on December 19ths so the plan is working though! 110 with curves on hrt is my goal by July next year!!! (want this so bad)

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Anyways I could go on for days but I wanna stay sorta brief. Tell me more about your transition if you'd like, talking to someone is so refreshing.

You've gotta do what's right for you and you are the only one who can know what that is. I tackled mine head on because my situation allows for it and it is right for me. You definitely need to protect yourself from possible violence/hate from the people in your area and I respect your concern for your family's situation. I do recommend for you to look to see if there are any LGBT organizations in your area so that maybe you can find some people to talk to a bit. You don't have to come out or start transitioning until the time and place is right for you, but i think it is good to have as many people to talk to as possible. Local colleges might be a good place to look. The university in my city has a group for trans people which is totally confidential so that you don't have to worry about other people finding out, but you get a chance to share experiences and support with other people. I'm fortunate to live in an area which has such resources; your's may not have the same but if you haven't already looked I would really encourage you to do so. Maybe in a neighboring city if you live in a smaller town. I will give a word of warning about LGBT orgs just because a lot of them tend to put the T in their name but then actually don't have any real understanding of or support for trans people, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to be a little cautious at first. Also if you can find and afford (or find a way to get free) therapy from a therapist with some understanding of trans issues, I highly recommend it. You don't have to be transitioning to go ahead and start talking to someone who is trained to help people through difficult times. Let me know if me being all "advicy" is annoying; I just encourage this stuff because finding support has been the single most important part of my development.

I'm still pretty early in my transition, the biggest part so far has been telling my immediate family and a few close friends. Beyond this I have gone to some local thrift stores to get some clothes and my sister has given me some of her old stuff and I bought some cheap make-up from walmart. i was in theatre in highschool so i fortunately have a little experience with applying make-up I've gone out into public presenting female maybe 4 or 5 times so far. It was really scary, but not as bad as I had expected. I'm pretty sure everyone could read me unless they were really far away, but I've only had one confrontation in all of my experiences. Most people, even if they think something is off aren't going to go out of their way to be an asshole. I've found it feels good to just dress up in my room sometimes and sit around. I'm saving up and hoping to get the hair permanently removed from my face some time this spring since covering up my 5 o'clock shadow is one of the biggest things standing in my way of looking decent and laser surgery is moderately cheap.

The ketosis diet sounds great; I'm glad it's working well for you! From what i've read and from talking to other tgirls the hormones will also help you to loose that muscle and give you the hips you're looking for, so I think you've got pretty reasonable goals. Bone structure is really the biggest thing for most of us to deal with in terms of appearance. Like you I'm pretty lucky to have that femme face and I'm so thankful for it. My mom would occasionally joke and call me pretty boy; she never knew that it was the most heartening complement that I'd ever had while growing up. I'm like 5'11 which is workable, but I'm envious of you because you're gonna be much freer to pull off heels!

From your comments you seem like a really intelligent, considerate and compassionate person. We need these qualities SO badly in this world! Try to use the difficulty of these times to further your compassion for other people and it'll help to lessen the pain a bit and draw more positive people into your life. On the other hand, we have a lot of right to be angry and disappointed with the world we live in. I try to use that to fuel my desire to make a change, but i fall short of this ideal pretty often.

Thank you thank you for the complements, you seem really intelligent and caring as well! Your so right on all of what you say about a ts existence. I really want to find a good therapist and start some sessions. I think this will be a crucial step. From there I am in a big city but I know so many people that I'm scared I'll be spotted going to an lgbt center (might go hoodie/sunglasses/jeans/bus stop route though and head to my local one!) and I'm also troubled they won't know much in the ways of the t segment of their offerings but I think it's worth a try. I know that is where I have to start. Life will kinda start to fall into place from there.

Your also right that we can all use our anger and discontents to fuel change and progress, that is the ideal. I too fall short of being able to do so often enough but it is a really worthwhile practice. The world does need more compassion and respect. I think the natives were so right in fully respecting the land and all it's aspects. Today's society is kinda selfish and lost. It's saddening to think where society might be 5 years from now if as a whole reality keeps slipping away.

5'11 is an awesome height, I actually dated a girl that was 5'9 and loved heels. She was routinely 6'1-6'2 anytime we'd go out. Once this middle aged guy saw us getting out of my car and was like "honey, why don't you tell your schaefer to have the night off and ..." and she just looked at him like he was an overgrown dweeb. I loved dating her because I was this little guy but was with this amazing girl. She was really pretty but it didn't pan out, I think we lasted 7 dates and light intimacy before we both realized the magic kinda wasn't really there.

I am looking forward to rocking some 4-5" sexiness, I dream now that I'm a woman and I'm almost always flossing sexy cuties from wedges to flats. I've been dreaming as a woman off and on for probably 10 years. The first one I had pretty much solidified that I'd one day become a girl.

I was 11 at the time and I had just seen one of the American pie movies and ya the whole movie through I had imagined I was one of the girls. The dream I had was brief but it seemed so amazing. In the dream I was at a college party night and was laughing and having fun with other girls. We all were really cute and I made out with my friend (a cute girl that it felt like I'd always known) because the boys challenged us to. I've never forgotten how free and happy I felt.

I also am going to get some makeup soon and start experimenting with different looks (mainly eyes, I have a bit of facial hair I plan to keep until summers end, I figure the less often I shave it the easier it'll go away with electrolysis.)

Oh I found a really cool app in the app store called face switch. It lets you blur two pictures into one and the effect is really well done. If already done a few of my self with the same jaw/bone structure but dramatic/cute/hot/etc makeup and hair. Really fun to play around with.

Last I guess is a traditional thanks and good luck message. Thank you for your input and time, and good luck through and through. I guess we are the only people on the blog so far haha, kinda fun though none the less.

Hey KumiKK69 and RADAprilRachel,
I hope you two are doing great.I'm the same way. I feel scared to come out to everyone to let them know that I want to be a girl.I'm 26 years old and have been wearing womens clothing sense the age of 12. I would like to talk to more people about it but not sure how to do it.If you two would like to talk to me please feel free to add me on facebook or you can send me an email.Its oklahomacook1985@yahoo.com.Whatever way works best for you. I hope to help you and you two can help me.

Hey, sorry about my absence; hope that you're doing well, Kumi Welcome, Cheergirl!

Coming out is pretty scary. My first step was trying to identify at least one or two people who I thought would be the most able to understand. Of course, very few cis persons can truly understand, but a person who often thinks outside-of-the-box or focuses on understanding people who are different then they are is more likely to be capable of excepting the news. In my experience you can fairly well determine how difficult a person is going to be, based on their general interests, their personality, how they treat other people and their relationship to you. For one, an interest in different cultures, languages or philosophies is a good sign that a person is used to (and enjoys) trying to to understand other people's perspectives and are more likely to be mentally equipped to accept that many of their cultural biases about sex and gender are dead wrong.

I think that the whole process of coming out is like this big f*ed up strategy game wherein you have to alternate between building support and taking "emotional risks"; in the early stages, it's all about finding the people who are going to be your support foundation. You gotta find those people who can be there for you in-case things get tough when you're coming out to someone more "risky"

If you really don't think that there is anyone you know who can be that foundation without blowing things up before you are prepared to handle them, then you've got to make some new friends who can. Try to find a support group, a good therapist or organization that can help you find support. The Internet can be really great too, but I urge you to try and find some people in your physical area if only because I can't give you a hug through the Internet. That should have been the first web technology we focused on developing.