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So, first, an introduction is in order! My name is Kaila. I am a 26 year old girl stuck in a 32 year old man's body I have been consciously transitioning for about seven months. I know, it's not much of an intro....but its all you get for now More will come out soon enough.

Now on to background...

I was born to Christian parents who were at the far end of the prime spectrum for child-bearing, in a small Mid-western town, on Christmas Day in 1979 and grew up on a small farm on the outskirts of said town. I grew up as any little farm boy would; running in the woods, playing in the creek, shooting, trapping, being a boy.
But I can remember calling myself a tomboy to my mom when I was about 8. She explained I should not say that to anybody else because, "a 'tomboy' is actually a rough, manly girl". I continued to think of myself as a tomboy and imagined myself with long straw-blonde hair blowing in the wind when I ran. I would seek out pictures and movies featuring tomboy-like heroines of various ages.
My earliest memory of "dressing-up" was from when I was about 5. I remember thieving my mom's old pantyhose out of the sewing room trash and hiding them in a closet in my room. I remember planning the mission. I had spent the day running and sliding in my socks all through the house and I would always take a few minute rest on the couch beside the sewing room, on the far end of the house from Mom, in the kitchen. I could hear her singing to herself, over the grind and clank of the mixer as I eased the sewing room door open. I carefully picked the trash up, pulled the stockings out and laid the trash back the way it was and closed the door. I put them inside my pants and slid back through the house before going up to my room and stashing them. That day I learned about using "trash" to hide potential goodies in the trashcans for later pick-up.

The boy side of me turned into a hay-baling machine. My Nordic roots kicked in with puberty and gave me six-feet of well-framed body to learn to use by the time I turned 13! I put on muscle and developed a deep chest and wide shoulders.

The girl parts were all on the inside and as I got older I buried her and tried to forget her. She would pop out at times though; never publicly but rather times when I was feeling down. I would pretend there were two physical sides of me and I would dress up and play with the sexy girl in my bed until I felt better. But then I would feel guilty because the Christian influence said I would go to Hell for even thinking about being a girl.
*On a side note, it’s great that I was Homeschooled because I was never medicated for all the things I was feeling and going through. I got the natural experience. *
One Sunday the preacher spoke on “Crossdressers and Gays”, thanks to something he saw on TV while eating supper the night before. I don’t remember the exact content of the sermon but what stuck with me was that crossdressers (mtf or ftm) are all gay and the Bible says that gays will not enter The Kingdom of Heaven.
I was very confused in those days. Outwardly I condemned everything that wasn’t “Christian”, while inwardly I cheered when gays got congress to think about letting them marry.

Friends:
I didn’t have any. The girls thought I was weird for wanting to hang out with them. The boys thought I was an inbred, homicidal, wuss that wouldn’t fight but might shoot them from afar. I got jokes that they didn’t understand, quoted great artists they had never heard of and spoke of theories they couldn’t fathom. I had one friend from about age 15 to 26 up that was good. But we were only as close as my male side which was very, very far removed from my feminine. I started getting more (farmer/redneck) friends after 21 when I started going to the local country bar on the weekends.
Girlfriends were few and far between except for one girl; the first girl to put up with me for more than six months. I married her after 4 years of dating. We divorced two and a half years after that. Bottom line is, we just weren’t compatible. She knew about my feminine side. She hated it which made me hate it even more.

I thought I had a crossdressing addiction that somehow I didn’t grow out of like other people I read about. I forced it to a sexual fetish and would stop it and burn everything when I started to feel like being a girl was normal. I have completely wiped my clothes and make-up collection about ten times in my life.

Ok. Enough history. I should probably apologize to Kate85xo for the forum space I am taking up with all this. I want to put this out there for people to read and maybe eventually see because I feel like we all have a few things in common and I want to share how I got where I am and how my transition is working.

Sorry its been so long.I've started to come out to certain people in my life.I would like to talk to KumiKK69 and RADAprilRachel both more so feel free to text me at 9189556628 or you can email me at oklahomacook1985@yahoo.com

Hey sorry I took so long getting back in here, just busy busy and I forgot my password so I had to do some email leg work.

Glad to see a new member, welcome! It's great having people to talk to about really difficult stuff, makes life a little less hopeless.

On my side, I bought some jeans and a comfy pair of heels. Told the lady at Payless the shoes were a vday gift for my girlfriend. Told the lady at Walmart I ruined my friends pants by spilling soda all over them. Works I guess haha.

I'm working towards moving this summer and little by little I'm amassing courage and belongings to make the move easy. Found zappo's.com and am in love. 1,000's of shoes in size 9-10, 10's of thousands of clothes/garments size 10-12, just about everything plus free shipping!!!

When I move out, I will be going to zappo's for atleast a month to buy looks and styles, see what works, then work my way to full time hopefully by September (except for a job). Im saving/starting facial electrolyses now. Leaving my beard line but doing neck and cheeks/unibro center, back etc. I'll do the actual beard portion right after I move out.

Hoping to stay stealth and pull it off. Hardest part will be legal stuff, I'm hoping I can transfer school records confidentially. If not, I will just start over (sucks because I'm 87 credits through with a degree but oh well, it's not what I really wanna do all my life anyways)

Anyways, sorry again for such an absence, good luck to everybody and post any new news if you have/post anything to talk about!

Update on my ketosis diet: going pretty well, down to 173#'s (was 200~). People are starting to think I am sick or coming down with something so I've been playing it off like my stomache's giving me issues. If anybody needs to come up with a reason for weight loss, so far this one is recommendable so long as your semi casual about it. Don't make it seem like some kind of disease or life threatening thing. Just casually play it off as "too busy to go to the gym (muscle loss) and been getting an upset stomache lately."

Also, there is a great series on YouTube to help with developing a feminine voice. It's a 9 part series that comes up by a user named "deepstealth" The series is "finding your feminine voice" but even just a simple YouTube search of "feminine voice" should be enough to find the series. Then click more movies by the poster and start at video 1.

I've done about an hour a day practicing so for the past week or so and have noticed a huge difference in my annunciation and personification. My words I my female voice sound much girlier and passable. Really a great free series on voice excersizes.

Anyways, let's all throw some questions and make small talk!

Hey all!
Kaila, thanks for sharing your story with us all. I think the more of these stories out there, the better! I look forward to hearing about how your transition is going

Kumikk69, thanks for the info about zappo's and the voice stuff! There is a lot of bad info out there about training your voice, but this seems really comprehensive and healthy. Sounds like the diet is going great Have you heard any more from cheergirl? I've been meaning to text her but I keep getting anxious about it (I have Asperger's Syndrome and I get anxious around various social situations)

Things have been pretty crazy with school lately but nothing too overwhelming. Last weekend I went to MBLGTACC (Midwest Bi lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference) in Iowa and had a really great experience. I bough some clothes from Forever 21 (they have a lot of tops that are good at de-emphasizing broad shoulders) and presented female the whole weekend. It was really empowering to be able to express myself the way I feel in an environment that is pretty accepting. The big event for me was when a big group of the trans* people got together to have some discussion. I think there must have been about 150 people in the room, it was really amazing just to be surrounded by so many people with similar experiences, not to mention getting a chance to speak with some of them and share experiences. It also opened my eyes a bit more to the wide variety of gender expression and identity that exists out there beyond male and female.

The situation i'm in right now is kind of half out of the closet. Originally my plan was to come all the way out after I'd had laser surgery to get rid of my facial hair since it is impossible for me to cover up and I wanted to be able to pass even though everyone at my school will know. Now I'm thinking I might just go ahead and out myself and ask the people I go to school with to refer to me by my new name and use female pronouns regardless of how I happen to be presenting myself. I guess I want to send them a message or something. it may be a terrible idea, I don't know. I know that none of them will really understand, but maybe it will plant some seeds in their minds about the fact that our gender is not determined by our bodies. I already challenge their ideas about gender a bit since I currently present myself as a femme guy (occasionally wearing some butchy girl clothes which aren't too extreme and painting my nails). I guess i also feel like it might be easier for them to handle the transition if they know it's coming before it get's more obvious (physical) and I can kind of ease them through the changes as I present more and more femme. Rather than it all hitting at once like **BAM-now-this-person-you-knew-is-a-girl** Maybe they can even come to understand the process a bit by seeing me move through it. Do ya'll have any thoughts on this idea?

Hey everybody, how's everyone doing? Hope everything's good. Just checking in and posting about a new experience.

RadAprilRachel, good luck and congrats on your transition but practice caution, you never know who's out there! Be really careful about how much you change around others thy you aren't intimately known by because there are a lot of wacko's and haters out there. They probably won't do anything overly offensive or obnoxious but it's just a dangerous road to take even in today's generally easy going society.

Id say come out with modest looks that are feminine but maybe hold back from anything too feminine until your next set of classes that way those that knew you now will probably not get totally shocked and those you'll meet in the future will just think your a girl.

I know I've said it a few times but be careful! Being even remotely loud about transitioning could lead to a bad response from a hateful biggot, it's a slim chance but still be careful!

Anyways you know your colleagues better than I know them so I can't say how well a louder transition would go over but I know at the school I go to, I simply couldn't do it. Too many macho jocks and sports nuts that are ignorant. I could easily see a group of them doing something to me if I wa found out as a transitioning mtf, certain people just are stupid and cruel.

On my end, I went out as a girl for the 1st time! As I posted earlier I already had bought some girls jeans (size 12) and had a unisex grey/white hoodie and skate shoes that I could tie the whole look with. I shaved really close, then wrapped most of my face with a red/gray scarf and pulled the hoodie over my head. (I have short hair and still had stubble.) With this odd but casual look (tight figure shaping/belled jeans at least) I made sure to tape the middle of my torso with masking tape in a way that lifted my chest a bit. From there, I taped what little I have into modest a cups, then taped a bit of tp over those modest a's to make baby b's with a round shape. Pulled a shirt over and tucked it deep into my jeans (hadn't shaved yet; more on this later) and pulled the hoodie on then put on some gloves that we're relatively unisex.

I ended up going to a Walmart 2 towns away (50 minutes) at about 2:00am to buy a lot of necessities to make my next outing more reasonable. I made sure to keep a really tight walk, and keep feminine body language. I went in, and $250~ and 45 minutes later I had:
-padded a cup bra
-waiste sincher
-panty hose
-slip toe to heel nylons
-a feminine gray/white/black baby doll coat with big buttons and a hood for $22
-a cute purple hoodie with a faux fur (fake) brimmed hood and thumb holes on the sleeves!
-5 shades of nail polish (toes are pink right now)
-a white and pink spaghetti strap top with cup padding and a flowy bottom
-casual pajama bottoms for lounging
-3 different lipsticks
-3 different toners
-2 different eye liners
-2 different mascara's
-nail polish remover
-panties in a cute casual style
-Cosmo magazine
-seventeen magazine
-a makeup bag with 3 small bags in it
-a pink/white beanie
-a set of gloves
-feminine deodorant dove something with pomegranate
-body lotion
-Venus razor (shaved all but a v of chest hair so I can wear shirts as a guy still as I still have to present male for a few months. Did shave shoulders, back and armpits, I just wear sweaters and hoodies a lot now when I'm in male mode.)
-nair (burns, did nothing, hate it won't buy again)
-veet (worked a little, burned, left lots of irritated skin, probably wot but again)
-eye liner
-eye shadow
-other stuff I'm sure I forgot haha


The best part was when I went to pay at like 3am, this lady in front of me didn't have a credit card with enough money for her cart full of stuff (no other till open) so I had to stand there with this cart full of fem stuff while looking like a dude in girls jeans (no male up on!!) and sit there while her son kept staring at me. Haha I almost busy out laughing cause I got over my nerves and just couldn't believe how much time she needed to figure out she couldn't buy stuff. The teller told her a few times politely that she couldn't afford the stuff. I actually felt bad after a bit and handed her a $50 to buy her stuff because it was milk and groceries. There was $4 in change but I signaled to keep it (too scared to speak!!)

When I went to pay the teller was actually really nice and Ben though she probably could tell I was ts (easily) she was really polite and commented that she liked my taste and said I picked really cute things. I couldn't speak (so bashful) so I just gave thumbs up and nodded with a smile.

All in all I spent $250 on me and got a lot of great stuff, the $50 I spent on the mom and her son felt almost as good too! I am too kind hearted for my own good I guess but it felt good so it's all good.

Anyways, sorry for the huge post and requisite typo's I'm sure are everywhere. If I forgot anybody's questions/comments please let me know so we can have small talk. Bye bye for now.

I'm so excited for you! That's awesome

It's really nice when people still treat you like a human even when you know you aren't passing; it gives me a little bit of hope that there are a lot of decent people out there who will still treat you with respect even if they don't quite understand you. I have mixed feelings on passing, I really want to, but at the same time I hate the feeling that people not treating me like a freak is dependent upon my ability to pass.

Covering up stubble is a constant struggle for me. It doesn't matter how close I shave because I have really dark hair and really light skin. I try to use a ton of concealer but that tends to leave this weird white glow under the foundation which just highlights it. I've heard that a good way to cover it up is to use a complementary color. . . so my stubble looks bluish and using an orange color to conceal it would supposedly neutralize the color and cover it up better. I've been looking for a matte orange lipstick for this purpose but haven't had any luck finding it to see if this would work. Something that is kind of awesome though is that I've gone out with really obvious facial hair and still passed. It has to do with the psychology of the way that people assess the people around them. If at first glance you seem mostly female in general appearance, mannerisms etc and aren't communicating discomfort or insecurity, then people's minds subconsciously think "ok, that's a woman" and a lot of times this will cause them to overlook things that would give you away.

My experiences with workers at restaurants and shopping places has always been really positive. I don't know if they can tell or not, but their kindness is really what matters to me. On the other hand, I am always cautious to go places in the "hip" young areas of town where people tend to be more open minded and I live in a moderately open minded city to begin with.

As for dealing with my colleagues, I go to an engineering school so I don't have a whole lot of the big macho jock types. It's mostly people who have some experience with being bullied or outcast in some way. This doesn't mean that they are going to be nice to me or accept me, but I think it does at least lower the chances of physical harm as long as I avoid certain parts of the general campus at night (there is a fair amount of crime here at night in general). Being an "super senior" in a moderate sized college, waiting til the next round of classes won't really matter because I'm always in classes with pretty much the same set of people. But regardless of all this I'm going to take your words into consideration and make sure I am being as safe as possible. Trying to avoid being places when not many people are around. one advantage I have is that I have a skeleton key to the main building on the engineering campus since I work for IT so I can lock and unlock whatever doors I want in case of an emergency. I want to try and find a rarely used room to designate as a "safe room" to bolt myself in if I'm feeling threatened or unsafe. Maybe I could even try to find other trans* people on this part of campus and talk to the administration so that we could each have a key to a "safe room" I know of one other tgirl in engineering school (she is mechanical, I'm computer engineering) but she isn't out yet either. Who knows how many others might come out of the wood work if they've seen me come out "publicly." The figures I've seen estimate that nearly 1 in 100 people are trans* but most of them in some form of hiding.

Hey everybody! I never formally said hello to cheergirl and Nordicrose so hello and hope all is well!

Well, I got tired of shaving everyday with a Venus razor (legs, back, chest) so I bought a $10 do it your self body wax kit from Walmart. Awesome. I followed the instructions from cleaning, prep and powdering to heating, keeping skin taught and propper -against growth- ripping proceedure and I couldn't be happier. The kit even came with a topical formula to apply for skin health and exfoliation. Just great.

I tried a home made recipe (3Tblspoon lemon juice and white sugar with 1 Tblspoon of water, cooked at low heat for 45 minutes and lets just say it left a lot to be desired. Anywaa this ~$10 ($11.20 with tax and all) did amazing an was super easy. I even have some left over. I figure every 3 times I'll end up having 1 full cup of wax left.

Best part is the package says hair can take as much as 8 weeks to grow back! I know my hair will grow back quickly I this procedure since I have never waxed before and my hair is strong but over a dozen or so procedures I can definitely bet the hair will get finer and weaker to where 5-6 weeks hair free is definitely possible.

Other than that I've been in communications with my local lgbtq center and am readily gaining the strength to join and get untouched with many others living a tg/alt life. Diets going well, down to 170#'s (169 on a great morning!) and hair is getting a little longer everyday. (head hair) So excited at te progress, little by little everything is coming together.

Well, hello to everybody, Radapril, cheergirl and Nordicrose, hope all is well and good. Post any quick stories or events if you want, sorry if I seem like an attention whore, just kinda cool to be able to share about stuff that I can't anywhere else.

So... Came out to close family today. Went really well. In shock that everyone's supportive. Kinda super happy and excited!!!!!!

Well, that's my news for today. Hope all is well.

Hey everyone sorry its been a while sense I've been on here. Been busy with work and other things in life.